Penetrating Truths

Have you ever been so embarrassed about something that you lied about it or hid it/kept it inside of you? Or you did something you know was really wrong but you tried to hide while you were doing it? I’m sure we all have been in this position at least once in our lives. Although I can’t think of a recent moment, I do remember when I was in pre-k we had “nap time.” We got to place our mats anywhere in the classroom and I often placed mine next to the bucket of little plastic bears. I was looking at the bears and then quickly reached my hand in the bucket and pulled a yellow one out. I quickly glanced around the classroom to make sure Ms. Rose didn’t see me. I hid the bear in my shirt and brought it home. When I got home, however, I felt really bad. I know taking a plastic bear from school doesn’t seem like a big deal and I’m sure the teacher wouldn’t have minded, but for me I still felt like I had done something wrong (being the “perfect” calm child I used to be).

I just recently began reading The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls and I have been looking very closely Jeannette’s character and her decisions. She has not made any huge decisions yet, but she has made a very minor one that tells me a lot about her character and personality. Since this is a memoir and obviously it’s real, I thought it was interesting to picture myself in Jeannette’s shoes and what I would do if I were in the same situation.

The first chapter is all about how Jeannette sees her mother digging through the trash and how afraid she got. She was afraid that her mother would see her and start to hug her and talk to her and how she was afraid someone from the party she was going to would find out that that old woman (who seriously did look like a hobo) was her mother. This chapter really pulled me into the story. I was desperate to know more about Jeannette and her relationship with her mother….how did her mother turn out to be a hobo? Was it a mistake, or did she really want to be living on the streets? Why does Jeannette seem to have money, yet her mother seems so poor?—I mean, she’s in a taxi and she is going to a party…she even asks her mother later what she could do to help her. But whatever her relationship is with her mother, or however much money she has, I tried to picture myself in the same situation as Jeannette. Would I make the decision to hide if I found my mother digging through the trash? Would I be embarrassed? Honestly, I think I would be afraid for the same reason—that someone from the party or one of my friends would see me. I would be embarrassed just like Jeannette was… I mean, if your mother is a hobo living on the street and some of your friends see that she is digging through the trash….who wouldn’t be embarrassed?

This seemed like a very minor decision at first (just like when I took the yellow bear from school) but then I realized that from the first chapter, I already know a lot about Jeannette’s character and her personality. She’s definitely ashamed and embarrassed of her mother because she is afraid a friend or someone from the party would find out her “secret.” She is so embarrassed she hides! This probably means that she’s someone who cares a lot about what other people think of her.

Jeannette seems like she is the kind of person who blocks out the truth and tries to hide it just like she tried to hide behind some bushes so her mother wouldn’t notice her. Over the years and after reading this book, I have come to realizing that blocking out the truth is probably one of the most hurtful things you could ever do to yourself.

When my grandmother passed away two years ago I pretended to act as if everything was fine—although I did get really depressed. Sometimes at school my friends would ask me if I was okay but I never wanted—or maybe I just didn’t know how—to express the pain I was feeling. So I would say, “Yeah I’m fine. I’m just really tired.” At the time I thought it would have been more painful to just be honest with them but now I’m starting to realize that hiding the truth and pretending as if it isn’t hurting you is far worse.

You suddenly begin to realize that you’re all alone in the dark—you are nothing more than a dark figure wandering the streets of a lonesome village. To others you are invisible in the taciturn, dark silence…but if you listen intently, instead of a scream for help, you will hear a shatter in the distance. Next thing you know, it’s the shatter of your heart calling to fix up all the broken parts.  But realizing this is too late…no one can put back together all the millions of shattered parts that fell apart from your sunken heart.

Cold Tiles of Truth

Some nights when I’m lying down in my bed and letting my mind wander free, I realize tears running down my cheeks. But it’s weird…these tears don’t come from something that happened that made me sad, or mad, or even angry. They just seem to appear out of nowhere….and so I usually ask myself questions as if I’m the only thing visible in the dark silence, “why is life so complicated? Why do I have to make it so hard for myself?” Often I think about school and why I couldn’t just shoot for the “average” student—“why do force myself to do all the extra work when I could get perfectly good grades without doing it?” And since probably more than half of my life right now is devoted to sports, I usually ask myself questions like, “Why are you spending your weekend trying to become a “perfect” pitcher when you could easily let the other two girls on the team do all the work?” It’s almost as if I force myself to go beyond just a base player in softball, but to devote my Saturdays into doing all this extra work that seems to do nothing but give me cramps, bruises, and get me extremely tired. Often I fall asleep thinking, “what’s the point?”

As I’m reading Ishmael Beah’s memoire, “A Long Way Gone” it not only made me feel incredibly mad at myself for thinking about my life being hard but it helped me in my understanding to why I must push myself so hard in everything that I do. “A Long Way Gone” is the true story of Ishmael Beah who became an unwilling boy soldier during the war in Sierra Leone. When he was twelve years old his village was attacked which left Beah, his brother, and his friends wandering village to village in search of food and shelter. This becomes a day-to-day struggle both in their hearts and physically to survive. Although I’m not that far into the story, I find it so incredibly unreal that such a thing could happen to a twelve year old—though it’s filled with heartbreaking honesty.

On page 54 when Beah is all alone in the woods and letting his mind wander free, he begins to think about his father saying, “If you are alive, there is hope for a better day and something good to happen. If there is nothing good left in the destiny of a person, he or she will die.” However this quote is not where I got hit by a strong realization. It’s what Beah had written after that that really stuck with me. “Those words became the vehicle that drove my spirit forward and made it stay alive.” In life—or anyone’s life really, you have something—big or small that keeps you going. This reminded me of a book I just recently finished a couple months ago, “The Art of Racing in the Rain” by Garth Stein. It’s told from the point of view of a dog named Enzo. At one point in the book he figures out that life, like racing, isn’t simply about going fast. Using the techniques needed on the race track, one can successfully navigate the vehicle even when there are bumps along the way. For me, I think that I could end up in a dangerous situation wanting everything to be perfect and all, but I guess that’s just a part of who I am….pushing myself hard in everything is what gives my life purpose. If I were to stop pitching, play a piano piece “at my level” and start writing blog posts that meet standards, sure I would still get good grades and play good music….but for me that’s not enough. However if I were in Beah’s shoes and had lost basically everything—even my family—I think that I would also hold onto my memories and find even the tiniest things in life to keep me going so I wouldn’t slowly fade away like black watercolor when it hits paper—so I would still have purpose in my life to keep going with a linger of hope for tomorrow.

Later on page 69 Ishmael Beah writes, “One of the most unsettling things about my journey, mentally, physically, and emotionally, was that I wasn’t sure when or where it was going to end.” This reminds me of my first cross country race at the beginning of the year. I felt like I just kept running and running and at each strait-away I thought it was the finish but it never was. I felt like it was going on forever and would never stop which made me want to slow down for a while. I am not the type of person who gives up easily but I have to say, that was probably one of the closest times I have been to giving up in a long time. Then Beah writes, “To survive each passing day was my goal in life. At villages we managed to find some happiness by being treated to food or fresh water.” Again, Beah is finding even the smallest things in his struggle to survive to keep him from a drooping sunflower lacking a drop of water.

If I were in Ishmael Beahs situation, I think I would also hold onto the little things throughout my daily struggle for survival to keep my burning soul alive. Within the depth of this story I seem to have discovered the cold tiles of heartbreaking truth and meaning. I have also found the fire burning in my soul and the wood that keeps it burning red, roaring, and alive. The wood may be hard to get and may give me many scratches while gathering, but if it’s what keeps me going in life, the scratches are worth it.

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

I just recently read “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” by Dr. Seuss. One reason why I think this is my favorite picture book is because people of any age can relate to the message Dr. Seuss is trying to teach. I found that the overall message in the book is to help people realize that there are going to be many ups and downs in life as well as many difficulties such as fear, loneliness, and confusion. When I read this book, I began to think about all the hardships I have had to face but then I realized that life will always have bumps along the way but only you can decide what to make of your life by facing these hardships and taking control. I think the book overall is amazing but there are a couple verses that really stood out to me and made me think deeper….

One of my favorite verses in the book is:

“I’m afraid that sometimes,
You’ll play lonely games too.
Games you can’t win,
‘cause you’ll play against you.”

This was really powerful for me and after thinking about it on a much deeper level, I found that what this really means is that there will be times where you will succeed, but other times when you don’t believe in yourself, you just end up losing the game or not succeeding at all. One reason why I find this verse so meaningful is because it’s true and we probably don’t even realize it.

Not only was this verse really powerful but I realized that I could also relate to it….this is probably one of the reasons why I understood it so well. When I was a little munchkin with chubby red cheeks I was incredibly shy. As a person I was (and I’ll have to admit I still am) very reserved and humble. Although most people say these aren’t necessarily bad traits, they seemed to take away from my self-confidence, especially in my “munchkin” years. When my mom would stop to talk to a family friend or someone on the street I would hide behind her and I wouldn’t budge. It was this internal fear that was taking over my life and I finally realized that I couldn’t go on in fear. Little by little as I started to overcome my shyness, I realized that I was becoming a much more confident person in everything I decided to do—from reciting monologues in drama, playing the piano at recitals, and pitching in softball. In all of these things I grew less and less nervous and I became a much more determined person.

All in all, I think that in order to do great things in life you must be determined and fight through your fears that try to stop you. The key to success is believing in yourself….well….at least for me ;) 

Little Things Cut

I am currently reading the book “Looks” by Madeleine George. So far (in the first 40 pages) this book is about two girls who are struggling with their physical looks which impacts their lives greatly. Meghan is litterally a hippo but feels invisible at school while Aimee is an anorexic seems empty and lost in the world of poetry. Although they seem like complete opposites at first sight, it seems like on the inside they are both quite similar. Meghan seems like she sees something more in Aimee but what will it take for her to really take action?

On page 15 when Meghan is in the nurses office and hears a girl at the door speaking to the nurse, she describes Aimee’s voice: “Thin as paper but sharp as a paper cut.” This line really stuck in my head and didn’t make much sense until I really got to know Aimee. Although she is incredibly thin and may seem weak on the outside, on the inside she holds much more. It’s as if someone else holds a blade that is carving out her insides and damaging her body in this way to say what she cannot….

I hope Meghan will do something more than just see the blade and move on which is probably what fires me up most in the world—people who see things going wrong and just keep going. Even I get mad at myself sometimes for seeing something and not doing anything about it because it’s just easier to ignore. BUt what if Meghan ignored the fact that Aimee was being hurt and waited for the day Aimee’s anorexia takes over and she dies to regret ever putting her step forward? By then it would be too late anyway. Maybe if you see bullying going on you or enough people will take action….but what if it’s something small? What if this seemingly tiny, innocent person is being hurt by a blade that is hidden inside of them that it’s out of control? I believe that it’s these little things within a small person hiding that cause the most damage. Not only are these little things hard to find, but they’re even more difficult to help someone else overcome.

Leave a comment if you have ever seen something happen and didn’t do anything about it because it would just be easier but then regreted it afterwards or if you have any questions, please feel free!!! :)

Attention readers!!!

Sorry I forgot to mention this earlier but for the past 3 weeks I have been posting my blogs on this url:   http://room116sold.blogspot.com/

Crumbling Among the Jigsaw Puzzle of Realization Lies His most Deepest Fear....

I am currently reading The Book Theif by Markus Zusak which is probably one of my favorites—SO FAR. I feel that there are many books out there with great plots, themes, characters, and all the other good elements that make a “good” book. So lately I have been asking myself “what’s so special about this story? I mean, I’m actually really surprised that I’m beyond the point where I’m completely in love with this book because I’m really not a history person…this book is basically about a girl who is seperated from her communist parents and has to live with her foster parents during World War 2. Just this topic makes me want to turn my back in disgust. So after pondering upon this idea, I brought myself to a couple main points—and not only do these ideas help me understand why I am in love with this book but they make me think on a somewhat deeper level on how fear plays a major role in how we, as humans, build a sort of wall blocking our ability to see things from a different perspective—the eyes of someone else that could eventually help us understand something more about ourselves.

I know this might seem sort of confusing at first (I mean, I was completely lost at the beginning of the story trying to figure out who the narrator was) but Death is actually narrating the entire story from a diary Liesl wrote. This diary that Death found when he was taking her soul away at the very beginning of the story seems to be a detail that enhances the entire plot—it allows us to see what Death has to say about humans because no matter how many human-like emotions he seems to have, he obviously is the complete opposite of what we consider “human.” I have never thought about this before but is Death haunted by humans as much as we are haunted by death? At the beginning of the story when he is taking Liesl’s soul he tells us that the most painful part of his job is "the leftover humans…the ones who are left behind, crumbling among the jigsaw puzzle of realization, despair, and surprise." Personally, I found this part really depressing because if you think about it, although he may not be an actual human being, he does have human-like emotions but will never be able to fully be a part of humanity.

At one point in the story Death tells us that if we want to see what he looks like, we should “find a mirror.” I love how at this point he allows us to infer…“what does this mean? How could our appearance have anything to do with Death and what he looks like?” At least those were my thoughts when I first read that line. I feel like once I considered the fact that Death feels like he will never be a part of humanity, I was also able to understand the meaning behind these words a little better. So basically he’s saying that all humans die so we all look like death. I think Death is really brave telling us that he is in fact united with humans (since it’s something he fears) and we are a part of one of (generally speaking) our most deepest fears—death. One reason why I think this is a brave thing to say is because we, as humans, tend to pull away from the things we are afraid of. Sometimes we act like they don’t exist and try to hide our fears. For example I used to be afraid of the dark and instead of confronting that fear and deciding to try one night in complete darkness, I in some ways, “hid” my fear for darkness by using a night lamp. On the contrary, we might also hide ourselves from our deepest fears. Maybe you were afraid of the boogy-man and hid under your blankets when you were little. Honestly I never thought about this before reading from the prespective of Death in this novel. An example of this is when Hans is hiding a Jew in his basement. I can assume the Jew is in hiding because he is afraid—he’s afraid of Death. I find this, in some ways (now after reading this book), is kind of obsurd. I mean, as I mentioned earlier, we are united with death so how could something that essentially make us human make us hide from it?

Now I want you to think about any time in your life where you have felt scared—maybe it was the boogey man that you were convinced would crawl into your bed during the night or maybe is was that selfish, mean, know-it-all snob that made you feel nothing but small and worthless…whatever your fear may be, ask yourself first why you are afraid of it. Then ask yourself what were the methods you used to push that particular fear out of your life. I litterally could go on and on and on and on about this book and I (legit) cannot express how much it has deepened my understanding on this topic. Please, please, please comment below if you have any thought, ideas, or thought-provoking questions!!

An Unidentified Side

In the story “Am I blue?” by Bruce Coville I found some lines that made me think deeper about the themes of the story and the world around me. After unpacking all the symbolism in the tinniest details and after pulling together evidence that seemed to be hidden beneath each characters internal thoughts, I was able to go on a magical journey  with Vincent where I was able to make better sense of myself and the world around me.

Although Manvin may seem like a quirky kind of guy at first (but then again, that’s why I respect him) no matter how much people get in his way about being “gay” or how much people judge him for being diffent, he looks beyond it. For example on page 10, “Only I got sick of living in the box the world prescribed; it was far too small to hold me. So I knocked down a few walls.” After analyzing this piece of evidence, we see that Manvin is in fact aware of his quirkiness and if he wanted he could change to the “average normal person” but I love the fact that he isn’t going to let society (the box the world prescribed) control who he is. When Manvin describes himself “knocking down a few walls” I feel like I can relate to this metaphor on a much deeper level. For instance I’m sure everyone has felt this way before but personally sometimes I feel really small in comparison to the world….sometimes all I am able to see are the negative sides to life and that’s all I seem to focus on. This metaphorical description makes me think deeper about my thoughts of feeling “small” and I wonder if maybe it’s time for me to go out a make space for myself….maybe it’s time for me to break down a few walls….

This brings me to my second point. I think the wall is an interesting symbol because not only does it symbolize Manvin’s strength to push through what other people think of him, but I’m sure it has multiple meanings….I wonder what’s on the other side of the wall. I mean, walls are built to separate one thing from another, right? So perhaps this wall was separating Manvin from something much bigger than we can imagine. These thoughts became part of my curiosity when I read page 7, “Honey, I did a lot of screaming and shouting while it was happening. Afterward too, for that matter. Didn’t do me a bit of good—I was still dead. Once you’ve been on the other side for a while, you get a little more zen with these types of things.” First off I have to figure out what Manvin is talking about—I’m not completely sure but I think that he is referring to when he was letting himself be bullied. I can make this inference because on page 4 he says “I had to deal with my share of troglodytes when I was your age.” So I think Manvin is basically making a point saying that when you are in the process of being bullied and judged, no matter what you do, if you allow others to identify you, you are going to die. And I don’t actually think he means he dies literally; I think it’s more metaphoric. More like you will no longer have control over who you are since you’re letting others identify you. When Manvin talks about the “other side” I believe that he is referring to the other side of the wall and how he had to break it down to actually experience what it was like on the other side….in other words he had to ignore the bullies and stand up for himself to be able to experience life truthfully without trying to hide or fit in.

Ok. I’m going to have to admit it. Butch is an amazing character in the story. He’s a perfect contrast to Manvin’s character. While Manvin is himself and won’t let anyone stand in his way, Butch IS the bully but we realize why at the end. Honestly when I found out that he was completely gay, I was confused. Why would he be bullying Vincent for “supposedly” being gay at the beginning of the story when HE was all along? I think Butch bullied Vincent even though he was gay because he was afraid to be judged if he was himself and just admitted his differences. So by bullying Vincent in that way, he “made” himself innocent of being gay. This interesting contrast between Manvin and Butch has helped me understand the world a little better. Now I realize that people who judge others are really only hurting themselves because then they are afraid to be bullied and judged as well; thus, most likely not revealing much about themselves or just faking who they are.             

The Drummer Boy of Shiloh

In the story “The Drummer Boy of Shiloh” by Ray Bradbury, the protagonist (Joby) seems to go through a major change from the beginning to the end. As I followed Joby on his journey through figuring out his purpose in life and who he truly is, not only could I relate to him on many different levels, but I also learned that the people closest to your hearts most likely end up having the greatest impact on the ways you change and grow internally.  

At the very beginning of the story it wasn’t easy for me to figure out Joby’s character because it seemed as though he himself wasn’t exactly sure. For example, on page 49 he describes the drums great lunar face peering down at him whenever he opened his eyes. Later on page 51 he is hoping that if he shuts his eyes he would be be to hide inside himself and no one would notice him. All of these details add up to my theory of how Joby is trying to become smaller and invisible because he isn’t sure of who he is. He feels as though there are things much greater than him (such as the drums face) and feels that he is worth nothing.

In contrast to Joby’s character at the beinning of the story, towards the climax Joby realizes how important he truly is. He begins to see not only one peach blossom, but all of them that are a part of the peach orchard. In other words, he begins to see himself as part of the army—part of the whole. I think Joby’s general had a great impact on the way he changed. For example, on page 53 near the climax of the story, Joby is thinking over about what his general had told him. In his head, the gerneral is already someone much greater than him (kind of like like his drums “great lunar face peering down at him”) so when Joby hears from him about how he is imortant and how he sets the beat in his men, Joby is, of course, quite touched. So when Joby started to take consideration of what his general had told him, he begins to see things from a new perspective; a different lense.

Personally, there have been times in my life where I have felt small and worthless. I remember when I was little and I would ask my mom to tuck me in (which I still do to this day). If she didn’t come for a while, I would lie in my bed wide awake for hours on end (well at least it seemed that long). I remember times where I would fall asleep thinking my mother didn’t love me (no matter how many times she told me she did throughout the day) and that she had more important things to do than give me a kiss goodnight. I can also relate to Johnny’s change. I mean, I think in this situation I just kind of grew up on my own and I now know that it’s not because my mom doesn’t come to give me a kiss goodnight that she doesn’t love me.

But then again, sometimes it takes some time until you figure out what caused you to change. Maybe Joby didn’t notice anything until he thought over his coversation with his general. I wonder if maybe someday I will be able to figure out if someone had an impact on the ways I have changed.

 

The Boy in Striped Pajamas

The book The Boy in the Striped Pajamas by John Boyne not only had an emotional impact on me, but I also think that having an innocent boy during the Holocaust narrate the story gave me a different view on the world. I wouldn’t say the book itself was a challenge but all the inferring and symbolism that was hidden in the tiniest details was what I think had the greatest impact on me. It’s interesting to find details that Bruno mentions repetitively throughout the book and turning the literal meaning into a somewhat figurative symbol. I think that these symbols are what brought me closer to Bruno and his way of seeing things…in the end these symbols seem to turn into the “heart” of the story.

When Bruno moves to Out-With, he goes exploring and arrives at a fence. Later in the story we see how the fence not only separates the Jews from the Germans, but for Bruno it separates a true friendship with Shmuel. Although Bruno is unclear about why a fence was built there and who’s on the other side of it, he knows that it’s separating him from playing and exploring with Shmuel—a true friend.  This becomes clear when Shmuel explains to Bruno that they are supposed to be enemies. After reading this part of the story, I realized that everyone has a story of their own but not everyone’s story is found. What I mean by this is that once people are associated with a race or religion, there becomes an automatic boundary between that person and others who are “different” or “better”. I love how Bruno doesn’t understand “Jew” and “German” so he isn’t able to judge Shmuel. Having Bruno narrate definitely had an impact on the way I read the story. In a way, it made me think deeper, thus making me realize that fences like the one Bruno came across exist all the time and how awful they really are. I think Bruno does a good job showing how fences keep people from exploring. For me Bruno not only crossed the fence to help Shmuel find his father, but he crossed it as a symbol that sometimes you have to cross these boundaries for the better. Bruno definitely wasn’t going to let hatred and discrimination that his family surrounded him with stop him from discovering Shmuel’s story.

The first time Bruno goes exploring at Out-With and arrives at the fence, he sees something in the distance. “A dot that became a speck that became a blob that became a figure that became a boy” is what Bruno observes when he first meets Shmuel. As I thought about it, I was able to take this very small, detailed observation and make it a part of the general heart of the book which for me is that everyone has a story of their own. Bruno’s observation puts an image in my head that for me, says a lot about who he is inside. I think he means that no matter how small someone might seem at first, it might take some time to see the full picture. Now this is more on the literal side. To be a little more figurative, I think that it also depends on how you are looking at someone’s story. What I mean is perspective; weather you are willing to look at the entire picture. For example, when Bruno met Shmuel he saw how malnourished and dirty he was but he did not once in the book categorize him. He stayed open and wanted to discover Shmuel’s story. Personally, I have a nine year old brother and if I put him in Bruno’s position, I don’t think he would be able to look beyond Shmuel’s appearance and into his heart.

To sum things up, I truly cannot believe the affect this book has on me. Both the narration and the symbolism really added to the heart of the story. Now I understand how awful it is to judge and discriminate people. It is definitely something we must be aware of even in our world today. This story brought me to believe that everyone has a heart and everyone has a story. Sometimes it’s just a matter of finding it.

 

           

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

After finishing the book “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” by Jonathan Safran Foer, I starting to think about loss which to me is the most important theme of the book. Once the characters began to  experience loss, we start to see how it effects each character differently. It’s  interesting to see how each and every character struggles to find a hidden path of their own to overcome their version of “loss.”

Oskar, for example, losses his father in the 9/11 attack at the World Trade Center. His way for dealing with the loss of his father and all of the confusing emotions that come with it is by trying to find a lock. A lock that will hopefully bring him closer to his father. Throughout  Oskar’s journey through the five boroughs, he seems to repeat non-stop the phrase “heavy boots.” Ever since his father died, he kind of became obsessed with this expression. Does this mean that his “secret” about the answering machine is weighing him down because he’s afraid to tell anyone? On page  36 when Oskar is in his fathers closet touching all of his things after he died, Oskar said that it made his boots feel lighter….so is he using this expression as a way to deal with his emotions? I’m not completely sure but I see it as a way for him to express how difficult his journey really is.

Oskar’s grandfather is another character in which I believe has experienced loss. I never thought about this before, but loosing someone doesn’t necissarily mean they have died physically. Oskar’s grandfather introduced me to a different type of “loss.” For example, I believe that he has lost a piece of his personality. How? From my inference post-its I can suggest that maybe he was trying to give up so much of himself for Anna and when they left eachother, he got confused between his real, proper identity and the “fake” he was being for her. I think that Oskar’s grandfather came back for his grandson as a way to find his true identity again.

All in all, this book has definitely brought me to a different understanding about loss and how it effects different people in different ways. Not only did this book help me realize the different paths people take to hopefully overcome their loss, but it also makes me wonder about the different versions…how sometimes people loose a part of themselves.