Penetrating Truths

Have you ever been so embarrassed about something that you lied about it or hid it/kept it inside of you? Or you did something you know was really wrong but you tried to hide while you were doing it? I’m sure we all have been in this position at least once in our lives. Although I can’t think of a recent moment, I do remember when I was in pre-k we had “nap time.” We got to place our mats anywhere in the classroom and I often placed mine next to the bucket of little plastic bears. I was looking at the bears and then quickly reached my hand in the bucket and pulled a yellow one out. I quickly glanced around the classroom to make sure Ms. Rose didn’t see me. I hid the bear in my shirt and brought it home. When I got home, however, I felt really bad. I know taking a plastic bear from school doesn’t seem like a big deal and I’m sure the teacher wouldn’t have minded, but for me I still felt like I had done something wrong (being the “perfect” calm child I used to be).

I just recently began reading The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls and I have been looking very closely Jeannette’s character and her decisions. She has not made any huge decisions yet, but she has made a very minor one that tells me a lot about her character and personality. Since this is a memoir and obviously it’s real, I thought it was interesting to picture myself in Jeannette’s shoes and what I would do if I were in the same situation.

The first chapter is all about how Jeannette sees her mother digging through the trash and how afraid she got. She was afraid that her mother would see her and start to hug her and talk to her and how she was afraid someone from the party she was going to would find out that that old woman (who seriously did look like a hobo) was her mother. This chapter really pulled me into the story. I was desperate to know more about Jeannette and her relationship with her mother….how did her mother turn out to be a hobo? Was it a mistake, or did she really want to be living on the streets? Why does Jeannette seem to have money, yet her mother seems so poor?—I mean, she’s in a taxi and she is going to a party…she even asks her mother later what she could do to help her. But whatever her relationship is with her mother, or however much money she has, I tried to picture myself in the same situation as Jeannette. Would I make the decision to hide if I found my mother digging through the trash? Would I be embarrassed? Honestly, I think I would be afraid for the same reason—that someone from the party or one of my friends would see me. I would be embarrassed just like Jeannette was… I mean, if your mother is a hobo living on the street and some of your friends see that she is digging through the trash….who wouldn’t be embarrassed?

This seemed like a very minor decision at first (just like when I took the yellow bear from school) but then I realized that from the first chapter, I already know a lot about Jeannette’s character and her personality. She’s definitely ashamed and embarrassed of her mother because she is afraid a friend or someone from the party would find out her “secret.” She is so embarrassed she hides! This probably means that she’s someone who cares a lot about what other people think of her.

Jeannette seems like she is the kind of person who blocks out the truth and tries to hide it just like she tried to hide behind some bushes so her mother wouldn’t notice her. Over the years and after reading this book, I have come to realizing that blocking out the truth is probably one of the most hurtful things you could ever do to yourself.

When my grandmother passed away two years ago I pretended to act as if everything was fine—although I did get really depressed. Sometimes at school my friends would ask me if I was okay but I never wanted—or maybe I just didn’t know how—to express the pain I was feeling. So I would say, “Yeah I’m fine. I’m just really tired.” At the time I thought it would have been more painful to just be honest with them but now I’m starting to realize that hiding the truth and pretending as if it isn’t hurting you is far worse.

You suddenly begin to realize that you’re all alone in the dark—you are nothing more than a dark figure wandering the streets of a lonesome village. To others you are invisible in the taciturn, dark silence…but if you listen intently, instead of a scream for help, you will hear a shatter in the distance. Next thing you know, it’s the shatter of your heart calling to fix up all the broken parts.  But realizing this is too late…no one can put back together all the millions of shattered parts that fell apart from your sunken heart.